I have a story of struggles, sacrifices and efforts. From the moment I was born, I have faced many challenges and each coming day is still bringing new challenges and unlawful temptations for me. My pasts habits didn’t change in a single day. I had fight to for it and even now, I am still fighting.
Being born into a Muslim family and in a Muslim country didn’t bring me much pleasure because my family was not as religious. There wasn’t any religious pressure on me to pray or to fast. Additionally, I had never taken religion seriously and never thought about questions such as: “WHY was I born?”, “What reason is behind my birth?”, “Why was this world created?”, and “Why was I born a Muslim?”. Islam was just an outdated thing for me. My journey from bad to good made me a changed Muslimah; mostly a better one but sometimes I lose my temper and again attracts by fitnas such as drugs, music, movies, dancing, parties, and haram relationships. I was born into a Muslim family in a Muslim country, yet I had problems with covering my face and hair.
My family doesn’t want me to wear Hijab in weddings because no girl should do that in weddings in my family’s opinion. I have to get rid of it when it comes to social events that I’m supposed to attend. I can’t wear Hijab in some working institutions either. I don’t have many opportunities and choices. There are all kinds of social and cultural pressures as well. I can’t make my own decisions because I have to listen to the male members of the family. When I was in school, I was forced to take subjects that my parents chose for me. I have no will, no choice.
Life is not easy now at this stage where my career and wedding are both important for me. My father is no longer earning and all of my siblings are independent. Although they support me, I feel bad for this. I want to become independent as soon as possible. For this to happen, I might have to discontinue my studies and start working. In terms of a job, I have many requirements: whether the atmosphere is suitable for me or not, whether I can work there in Hijab or not. Here, men are still narrow-minded and don’t like working with women. They don’t respect them. Here, men are mentally and physically violent. Women are raped and sexually harrassed. At school, I was forced to learn biology. Like every typical Muslim family, mine want me to become a doctor, but I wasn’t mean to study medicine. Its out of my skill set and interest. Because I can’t get admitted into a medical school, I have faced mockery from my own family. I’ve tried to commit suicide because of the bad attitude from my family with me for not getting admitted into a medical school.
When it comes to marriage, there are many challenges to face. Nowadays, grooms’ families are very demanding; they just want a lot of dowry, a furnished house, and a car. They don’t have any interest in the girl’s skills and good manners.
While I’ve been writing, I’ve had tears in my eyes.
I cry whenever I’m forced to remember the past. The past has always been painful for me. I started becoming a victim of sexual harassment and abuse when I was 6 or 7. One of my close relatives brought me into an empty school and did things with me. My Family still doesn’t know about that incident. Later on, when I moved to another city, the same thing happened to me. One was a shop keeper and the other was a young Molvi who came to my home to teach me the Quran. I become an atheist and was very much disappointed. If there was a God, I wouldn’t be feeling so alone and hurt. This has left me with nothing but psychological issues that still haunt me.
Approximately two years ago, I met a boy through Facebook. I was completely in love with him. One day,I proposed to him, but he rejected my proposal because of his family. His family wouldn’t allow him to marry someone outside of his family. I was very disappointed and cried day and night. I wanted to die because I can’t live without him. I lost interest in everything.
During this, I met A daee through Facebook who helped me to come out of this situation and teach me about Islam. He helped me a lot and to this day, still helps me. Whenever I have any questions about Islam and Dunia, I ask him. He’s guided me very well. I’ve had a scarf on my head since the 5th Grade, but I’never known its purpose and never took it seriously. I did it because its my social value and culture. Then, I took it seriously and started knowing its purpose. When I come close to Islam and start studying about Islam, I find the Hijab is so protective and I feel so proud. Alhamdulillah. Although I can’t cover my head in weddings and in other social events because of pressure from my family, I’ll do it the rest of the time because I do Hijab for the sake of Allah, not for the people.
Life isn’t very good yet, praying Saleh and Quran helps me a lot. Allah will guide me through this. Alhamdulillah!